In the beginning stages of a relationship, I find myself doing things very uncharacteristic of me. For example, I'll try rearranging my room in a specific way that mirrors certain characteristics of... the person of my interest. Folding clothes here and there, despite the fact that I never liked folding clothes. Or, I will go to the store and buy certain snacks that I've seen the person enjoy, in hopes of finding something. A clue? Inside the small bag of salty pretzels? It is often the little things that matter most. 

In my quest to "know," I think I become a mirror.

I actually don't remember the more specific instances because it has been a very long time since I've been at that stage. But until the point where I am sure there is something, I think I try very hard to beat about the bush, Hansel-and-Gretel-ing chunks of mystery here and there while simultaneously trying to divulge, discreetly, every question mark. It is at those beginning stages I feel most conflicted. It is in those beginning stages that I feel most Confucian-ridden, value-embedded, Korean. I hope this is okay, I wonder. All the time.

I assume it was no coincidence that dubbed imitation a "fine form of flattery." I used to render that statement bullshit, because my experiences with imitation up till this point in life has been of annoyance rather than appreciation. And I have always, till now, employed soooo much condescension toward mimicry. But I kind of take that back now. Maybe--maybe imitation is not a form of flattery per se, but a form of "trying to understand" that person. For instance, if that person seems to enjoy a certain activity, we may try to immerse our bodies in the activity as well, to experience firsthand what the person may or may not enjoy about it. We quite literally put ourselves in their shoes, propagating the infatuation even further. Or maybe, we aren't trying just to understand that person, but why we like that person. To think about the phenomenon not with the focus on the counterpart, but on us; our emotions, our infatuation, why our eyes sparkle a bit more when we look at them. Maybe we are just trying to understand ourselves.

"There is really nothing more to say--except why. But since why is difficult to handle, one must take refuge in how." -Toni Morrison

I don't think any of this made any sense, but I take that risk for honesty. Honesty is a tricky little maze.

Guichanaso.