Why is it hard for some one to understand being petty is not an enjoyable experience?

Guichanaso.

Going to school here is kind of funny

It's funny to see Northwestern kids deal with vagueness in class. Especially in literature or art classes, when the professors' brilliance stems from lack of structure. When the profs' intention is more to allow them to struggle with lack of direction themselves and find their way, when what they want is for us to find the answers ourselves, but all we want to do is for now is to ask for guidance -- to be led. For such smart-alecs, we're weirdly drawn to dependency.

I wish I were the kind of person who could just go from task to task mindlessly. Either mindlessly or like a professional, who, like a prison guard who knows exactly what his expectations, roles, obligations are, and simply does them because he knows and doesn't mind. Kind of like a post-it too. I envy that. Sometimes I try and learn to be a little more mindless by seeking routine tasks, laundry for instance, but it's so fleeting. And once it's over I'm back to overthinking and wearing myself out.

The biggest drive in my life is to be interested. You know when you visit someone's room for the first time, and they, let's say, have a weird collection--for example, exotic bird feathers--and usually you're just like "Oh that's an interesting collection, moving on"--I'm not like that. I start a bird feather collection a day later. It's less to do with imitation and more a fascination, like, "Holy fuck, I had no idea feathers were even an option. I need to know what it is about it that's so great." I'm starting to sound like an Apple groupie--which is odd, because there's nothing like early adapters to peeve me senseless

Then again, what's the difference between being interested and being interesting.

Can there be one without the other? It's difficult for me to imagine, for example, falling in love with someone who doesn't have an interest, whether it be creative or not. Literature calls that passion, but I believe it might more be a certain perspective -- for instance, I think kids who consider themselves uninterested have such interesting perspectives on life. Like my friend in engineering school who reserves art for others; when I ask, what do you read? She'll blush a little, as if every time that's come up in previous conversations she'd been a little ashamed, as if art were some special club she doesn't belong in, and vice versa. But she's diligent. And that requires perspective, that perspective conjures discipline, then dedication, and then age.


Guichanaso.

Goodbye Pork Pie Hat

When Charlie speaks of Lester
You know someone great has gone
The sweetest swinging music man
Had a Porkie Pig hat on
A bright star
In a dark age
When the bandstands had a thousand ways
Of refusing a black man admission
Black musician
In those days they put him in an
Underdog position
Cellars and chitlins'

When Lester took him a wife
Arm and arm went black and white
And some saw red
And drove them from their hotel bed
Love is never easy
It's short of the hope we have for happiness
Bright and sweet
Love is never easy street!
Now we are black and white
Embracing out in the lunatic New York night
It's very unlikely we'll be driven out of town
Or be hung in a tree
That's unlikely!

Tonight these crowds
Are happy and loud
Children are up dancing in the streets
In the sticky middle of the night
Summer serenade
Of taxi horns and fun arcades
Where right or wrong
Under neon
Every feeling goes on!
For you and me
The sidewalk is a history book
And a circus
Dangerous clowns
Balancing dreadful and wonderful perceptions
They have been handed
Day by day
Generations on down

We came up from the subway
On the music midnight makes
To Charlie's bass and Lester's saxophone
In taxi horns and brakes
Now Charlie's down in Mexico
With the healers
So the sidewalk leads us with music
To two little dancers
Dancing outside a black bar
There's a sign up on the awning
It says "Pork Pie Hat Bar"
And there's black babies dancing
Tonight



Goodnight,
Mothagesso

I was thinking about apologies. You know, when you're busy and lazy, when you're inept at being adept. Taking all the time in the world to do things, being so inefficient and irrational and hectic in all of my thoughts and decisions.

-

"I, you know, I thought at a liberal arts school, I would narrow my focus, but it just sort of multiplied it. This spring I've applied to bunch of finance internships because there were more chances of getting one of those. But I ended up working at a start-up and I loved it. So for now, I'm looking into strategy and management consulting in big or boutique firms with in-house training and everything. It would be pretty transferrable whatever I decide to do later. I've also been recently thinking of different kind of more creative consultancies as well: design, marketing and innovation consultants. I guess I just want to break into a dynamic environment to get as diverse exposure as possible. In a similar vein, I'm also interested in working in start-up incubators and accelerators. It's like entrepreneurship but without the risk-"

"What do you really want to do?"

-

I guess I want to liven up. All dead like this, tired and lazy. Maybe I'm scared or in denial? Stuff starts to fall through between your fingers left and right, and you have to say sorry both up and down. Apologies, apologies. To myself, too! Sorry.

I've become pretty good at apologizing. Not at ease or in terms with it, but in a healthy habit of doing it a little more frequently than others? I gotta take it like a big man.


'To be big, I must be firm even when it's cold.'

'That's what she said.'

-

I don't know, I just like thinking about cool things and I hope to write more about it. Do more creative things to make it more artistic maybe. But mainly I just like hanging out. Being witty and funny. To be a hero on the stage without any risk but as real as it can be, just no memory of what happened. I like listening to music but don't dare to learn it.I want to be very academic and I just don't find myself being able to do it. I used to take photos more often. I use to be just as aimless but maybe a little less half-assed?

Elephants were cool, but they became really cool when I learned that they never forget.

-

'I feel like I've been awake forever.'

Mothagesso.