그 땐 지치다가, 나중엔 무덤덤하다가,

씁쓸하다가, 꽤 오래 잠잠하다,

익숙하기도 했고, 잊고 웃기도 하다가,

조심스레 무언가를 찾아보다,

허겁지겁, 허둥지둥.

다시 시작선으로 돌아가서,

편하게 마음먹고 해야하겠다고

설레며 다짐한다.

내가 원하고 편하는대로도 할 수 있지만,

조금 더 어렵고 노력해야하는 것들,

조금은 용기를 갖아야 하는 것들도 해야하지 않을까?

현명함을 변명으로 마음이 지혜를 흐린다.

모퉈겟소.

"We have a great slice of life. All we complain is about what we don't know."


Mothagesso.

You fall into it because otherwise it wouldn't work. Like if you said you were walking into it, or skipping, galloping, striding into it, the sentiment would be all wrong, no one in the universe would understand, because that's the thing about cliches isn't it, they're universally understood.

Not even asking for confirmation on that one, it's totally right and you know it.

If someone asked me what my least favorite feeling was, I'd answer right away: "vulnerability." If someone asked me what my favorite feeling was, it'd be: "security." It's funny that a relationship is the answer, the key, the fastest route, to achieving both my favorite and least favorite feelings. It's that peak and dirth you realize simultaneously that makes it such a fucking trip, unless you're half-assing it, which I...

"If you say things genuinely without arrogance, people will like everything that you talk about yourself."

Mothagesso.

"You can try to make the best choice possible, try to think about it as much as you can. But ultimately, you have to make a choice, take a risk. You don't know somethings until you go ahead and do it." And I understood it too; some choices are decisive, irreversible, and necessary.


Mothagesso.

Perhaps I am in a foolish worry that this happiness and relaxation will never be fossilized into a worthwhile past. I am not sure who this is for, what this is for, but let me say it here and now, remember it somehow. It was a great Summer day, well, except that it is Fall, because the trees are still green. I woke up not knowing the time, the location of my phone, or my other responsibilities. 11:47 AM, it always feels great to have some time, whether minutes or hours, before noon. Spend a little more than an hour cleaning the house to perfection, reminiscing the sheer number of people who were here, how much conversation and fun had been had in the room. Wipe the floors, vacuum the carpet, clean the ledges. Brew a cup of coffee, roll up the curtains and let the sunshine show, light up a cigarette. Dance to the 'Sunday afternoon' songs, never forget to get a cup of water and take your vitamins. Take a good, long shower, completed by a ceremony of shaving and lotions. Cook pancakes, set up the dishes, make a mimosa out of champagne, green tea ginger ale, half & half lemonade. The house is a studio, people are just as much a music as the  bossa nova we're playing along with the breeze and sunshine. Celebrate like in São Paolo, a city I've never been to. Indulge in savorous and behavioral niceties, clean, drink, talk, smoke. We're shooting an indie film, 35mm, ISO 800, exposure compensation +2.0. Nap as if you were dreaming. Wake up to the aroma of chicken cooked with goat cheese and exotic spices. Come, it's 6:30 but the time is not important. Light a candle, sit around the table, and feast on the food and the mood. You don't need to remember anything, because you don't even think about doing it, you're just there, content. Procrastinate the dishes to tomorrow, turn on an ambient album, sit down under the fluorescent bulbs softer than the candlelights, and back to reality, but not so roughly, not with so much regret or anything. You're still dreaming, gently take in the things you must do, steadily do them without distress, smooth yourself into another week. Keep this marble in your pockets, even if you forget it--


Dreaming,
Mothagesso.

실수

누굴 좋아하는 일이 왜 이렇게 힘든걸까, 싶다가도
생각해보면 누군갈 좋아하는 일이 쉬울리가 없다.
힘든일이고, 힘든 일이기 때문에 가치있는 일이고,
또 가치있는 일이기 때문에 힘든 거다.
가치있고 힘든 것이기 때문에 '일'이라고 부른다.

사람을 알아간다는 것은 생각보다 큰 노력이 따르는 것 같다. 여태까지 생각했던 연애는 뭐였는지, 여태껏 해오던 일들은 왜그렇게 쉽게 느껴졌던건지, 제대로 해오긴 한걸까, 난 연인을 진지하게 생각했던 적이 있던가, 그에게 내 진심을 보여준 적은 있던걸까. 얼마전 여태껏 받았던 편지들, 분명 전에도 몇번이나 읽고 또 읽어봤던 편지들, 한번 더 읽어봤는데. 과분한 진심.

그 진심에 응한적이 없기에 ... 나에겐 진심이 가장 어렵다.

힘들어 보이던 친구에게 조언을 해주던 중 '20대에 하는 실수가 가장 가치있는 실수' 라는 말을 했다. 어디서 나온 말인지도 모르겠고 또 내가 그대로 실천하고 있는지는 불확실. 말은 번지르르. 친구는 공감한다고 했고. 우리 둘은 이제 자신감보다 자존감을 쌓을 때가 왔다며, 화이팅 한번 외치고 각자 길을 갔다.

영단어 공부를 하다 보면 재밌는 단어가 많은데 그중 자주 고민하는 하나는 "deserve"다. 무엇무엇을 할 가치가 있다, 뭔가 받을 가치가 있다, 그만큼 받아야 마땅하다, 라는 뜻을 가지고 있는, 뭔가 엄청 많은 assumption 이 내포된 단어. 서양스럽지. I deserve better, or do you deserve better? 넌 나보다 더 나은 사람을 만날 가치가 있어. 난 너보다 더 좋은 사람 만날만한 대단한 놈이야.

근데, 더 생각해봤는데.. 가치라는게 돌처럼 정해져있는게 아니야. 사람의 가치는 변한다. 내가 하는 행동에 따라, 혹은 내가 이뤄낸 성과에 따라, 혹은 노력에 따라, 나를 상대방에 맞춰 바꿔감에 따라, 내 마음가짐에 따라.

아, 내 하기나름이구나. 내가 결정하는거구나....

Guichanaso.

I hate when things I write doesn't sound right. I don't know how to make it sound right to others, or at least sit right within me.

So I envy the poets, but did they succeed in what they wanted to say, or did they succeed in creating this monster that whispers to people differently?

"If you had exactly what you wanted to say, you hire a lawyer. That's what they do. Poets do not know how else to express. They shoved all these clashing words in this little frame to bounce off each other like crazy for a reason," said a scholar of literature who knows that that's a framework of analysis and thought universally applicable to poetry, but also merely a framework popular and prevalent in our generation, that will probably sell to us. Everyone is sold in the present, aren't they? It's really hard to escape it.

I've been thinking about the sense of humor of the generation I am part of. "Everyone knows irony every since Seinfeld." 'Post-Seinfeldian irony,' said a domineeringly adorable and jocular professor of mine. 'Wit' is still a key ingredient. Sadly also is assholeries on other people. But perhaps sort of new, perhaps something that I don't always find in other things I read-- humor that has been part of the past established enough to be written not just spoken-- is the total randomness. Totally unexpected response. An irony. I find them funny. They're the most value-void and logic-mocking.

"The governor raped the child," said my friend when I asked him to say something random. All that movie that he watches at night.


Mothagesso.

I don't mind hanging my shirts anymore. Even re-hanging it to have the hook of the hanger wraps towards the right side of the shirt, so all shirts face left when organized on a pole. It is not anymore unbearable.

In a similar manner, I stopped talking about nothing as much as I can. In a similar manner, I might get to like oysters later. It's a process upcoming and ongoing, changing.

Mothagesso.

Figurative > Literal

Randomness is difficult to achieve.

I'll have these thoughts, and I'll want to explain. Make sense out of them, to others, and to others only because they already make sense in my head, so I'll start. Prelude the speech by telling them it probably won't make sense. Which underwhelms everything from the beginning I guess? So when they actually do make sense, listeners are pleasantly surprised? And when they don't, things are still okay?

But being an overthinker--I thought, maybe not starting out these explanations with a humble "Hey this may end up just a jumble of words (and showing them too early on a certain confusion is almost expected and something I'm used to)" isn't the best method. Maybe I should put on an air as if I know exactly what the hell I'm talking about so when my listener doesn't understand, it's no longer my responsibility to make sense out of them, it's theirs, and if they don't understand something its entirely their stupidity and naivete and simpleton-ness, and maybe that could reversely work to make myself more understandable. Does modesty confuse people? Does that make sense? Even in a monologue I feel as though I should make sure I'm being understood. I guess I am used to confused listeners.

Growing up I always found it odd how a facade could make real things come true.

So as to prevent all this overthinking and scrutinizing I've stopped trying to be understood. Maybe my feet just don't fit the comprehension shoe. Too much effort and frustration. So I resort to photos. Vagueness. I run and hide behind you two because I'm lazy and exhausted. Although "lazy" and "exhausted" seem mutually exclusive as a lazy person would never work till exhaustion; maybe I "have not been lazy until now" and have thus "worn myself out" and now am "lazy due to elongated fatigue." There.

 
Guichanaso.

"Fashion is a way of personal expression that people don't take advantage of enough"
"Yeah, but it's more than that. Expression is just to tell other people. But like the only way you can be fashionable is if you are introspective and self-inquisitive. Fashionable people are knowledgeable about themselves. That's how you come to have their own style and become stylish, you know? And I've frequently found myself easily befriending fashionable people. I like and liken to them so easily. It's not just an expression, it attests to who you are, or that you're in search of it."

In search of me.
Nosce te ipsum.


Mothagesso.

You know that you're having a great moment, when a fall of sunshine is pouring and fogging into the room, when little metalic structures seem to lend to you secrets about us, when the sound of wind splashing against the trees are soothing, each waves of sound from the speakers letting all of your body massaged. Humanoerotica. Nothing was being wasted, nothing was being hasted. Read books, helplessly attempt to do your homework, relax with great amount of work but no amount of worries. Everything is, perfect. A persona, incarnated into vibes, and then becomes a pebble of a memory, a great moment.


"Some of the fashion photography on Vogue Italia is just out of this world--  Yeah, they just take the ideas and thoughts that a little girl would have and just make it real."

Damn.


Mothagesso.

요즘 생각하는 것들.

Never settle. One can always get better.

Try to say no

Maple syrup is surprisingly good with lemon juice.

Crazy dreams--traveling in Tokyo via train, every compartment served a different purpose. Like one compartment would be for entertainment, and I'm talking video game stations. The next would be beds. The next would be restaurants. The next would be a newsreading cafe.

Another one I had was one in which a racist white old lady was trying to teach her grandchild to not come near me because I was Asian. Setting: playground. Sentiment: what?

And the last one I'll mention is one with my friend Kevin who apparently had an illegitimate child he birthed in 5th grade. He was showing me photos of his daughter in his dorm room. She had pigtails.

언젠가부터 부모님 뵈면 마음이 저린다

"I know you like it when I worry about you"

There is a difference between looking smart, being smart, pretending to be smart, sounding smart, getting good grades, and being diligent.

Spotted in St. Paul: "Hearmore hearing aid"

Get some mucho mango

For the rest of forever

Girls have the most banal conversations in dressing/fitting rooms

Selflessness. What is it?

Guichanaso.

내가 아무것도 못하는 이유는
고통 받지 않기 때문일까?


Mothagesso.

Many things can be put into words. Many things cannot be put into words.

Many words can create things that never existed. Many words start to make some more of itself and creates hollow things you never wanted.

Some of those things could be communicated through the foggy bridge, across the foggy river. Play the music, share a story. We have limited means of communication, limited time, and on top of it, we're shy about opening and feeling. But we try.

Sailing through that numinous night sea.

Mothagesso.

Momentarily,

I thought,

doing things in excess are great. It's like bungee jumping. It's the desire to touch the extreme, but constantly and precariously held together by the bungee rope of some sort of normalcy; some mix of reason, rationality, reality. In excess, you delve into insanity, touch the extreme, and bounce back at one point, craving to go back to normalcy, cease it by rationality, be pulled up by reason, to be in reality happily. As always, extremes exist and is so attractive at times thanks to normalcy, and vice versa. 

Maybe it was insanity that I wanted all the while, that I brandished all the while. To get to it, to come back, to tell the stories, to get back to it. Life as a roller coasater rather than a tightrope walking. Oscar, what were you thinking?

Mothagesso.