I think I tend to relay responsibility onto others. Oftentimes I find myself describing events as if they somehow happened to stumble into my life, instead of me getting myself into them. It shows in my syntax, as well. I'd say "I've come to see" or "I found myself" a lot in situations where I could easily just say "This happened." Let's be more accurate, I made this happen.
In a single quarter at Northwestern students usually take four classes. As did I, come registration time--I enrolled myself in American government, Fiction, Journalism 301, and Art. Digital art. I told myself, I'm going to have fun this spring. And soon spring quarter bloomed and I was lazier than I had ever been. I found immeasurable joy in dragging myself out of bed at a snail's pace, crawling into the shower, standing vertical (eyes closed) under 30 minutes' worth of hot water, coming back to the room only to worm back into bed, wet body will dry in time, taking time to put on a movie even though the movie is muted with sounds of hair drying, choosing the right perfume, contemplating which shoes to put on, and arriving 20 minutes late to a 1PM class. Never went to a single government lecture, and then, boom, it was just the three. American government never even had a chance.
I'm not American so it's okay. I persuaded myself.
But here I am at an institution my parents pay 50 grand each year for and I'm struggling to keep up minuscule work for a mere three. For fiction, you just had to write a few sketches. For art, you just had to show up. For journalism, there was definite work involved, but you applied to be a journalism student. If you set yourself up for it, you can't complain, said a voice inside my head. So I did. I said,
Too early. But you've already dropped one, now you have to do well on the others. I can't get out of bed today. They will understand, they were college students, too, just like me.
It's disheartening to find myself unable to manage an already compromised state.
Guichanaso.
