Diana's Bow - Curt Renz

I used to think that it takes insanity to leave your name in history. In present colloquial terms, you first of all have to be that geek who actually enjoys working more than hanging out, reading more than playing video games. Then you have to be a little crazy, consumed by the subject matter totally and therefore probably narrowly understanding the world and oneself, as well as struggling in other aspects of life, such as friendship or marriage. Like, genius is just a tragedy. A freak accident that eventually helped humanity and the world. A victim of oneself, who we laud and exploit.

I wanted to leave my name in history. It was a sort of ambition that drives one to be productive. But it was mostly a shallow and superficial desire for fame without understanding what it would really take and realizing that I probably never will. A gross miscalculation, but it did let me see a little further than 'right now,' and more 'wouldn't it be cool if...?' It was better than to be a philistine hedonist who might go: "well, I'm having fun right now and that's all there is." It allowed me to dream about lofty things. But time passed. Philistine hedonism was avoided but philistine idealism's bubble was popped, and I told my friend one day:

"I don't think I'll be something famous or anything. And I'm fine with that. I just want to be a happy person who makes people around me happy, and that would be what I ultimately want, I think."

He said back, "I think you can be famous whatever point in life."

Good point. I guess there's a lot of personalities who shone later in their lives.

Life just seems to get more real I know it, and I keep lowering, lowering, loweringas I get to know more and more. It's like what Machiavelli did with political philosophy, but just much less triumphantly. Knowing the world a little better, have I too readily succumb my life to the world? Then how do I exactly get revitalized, and infuse insanity back into my brain and life? This is not just some idealism or entrepreneurship I want to reclaim. It's not just a vision I wish to pursue, but getting a whole new pair of glasses. Change the mode of thought and gear it towards creativity and awe. And for the first time, to match it with labor. Reclaim what seems to be lost. Reforge it with what seems to be right. Theory makes sense, reality is always much less clear.

I just don't want to lose direction at the cost of speed. I just want Diana and Armstrong to be together on my Moon.


Mothagesso.