Mom and I had a conversation today about how boys can be so predictable. We were talking about dad. Dad is an open book. Brian, less so. And then I hung up and thought, yes, but sometimes not, and some boys not. It's hard to generalize an entire half of the world's population. I'd love to, but I'd hate to be wrong so I refrain.
I lack motivation. Brockovich came to our campus on a very strange time of my life, when I had been suffering from lethargy, lack of motivation, feeling down, the likes. Then she went on stage and told me all these things. I tried my best to jot them down on my notes app, and thus none of these are verbatim.
"Motivation requires positive thinking. As for negative thinking, we all do it. We get sucked into life. We have less time and energy, fewer reasons to get up the next day and repeat the things we love doing."
"Stop, breathe, and reboot. When was the last time you stopped and smelled roses?"
"You will find your voice. Don't you lose your why."
"Don't lose your why" was an interesting way of putting it. Mothagesso is right. I instinctively think of ways to not do things before I think of ways to do things. I'll give myself excuses, or I'll flat out decline offers, or I'll arrive late after hours of conflicted thought and cost-benefit analyses. I think it's because I've lost my why. It must be, because I wasn't always like this, I don't remember being this way growing up. I always had ambitions and achieved them like a champion and raised that self-expectation bar up to different stratospheres and look where I am, constantly disappointed and frustrated with how mediocre I've become. The instinctive me and socially constructed me seem to have become frenemies. Also, I don't think people understand the degree to which I condemn the things I do. I'm my worst critic. And yet, I'm tired. I need breaks. Lots of them.
College tells me to go to classes and get shit done. Professors expect me to arrive to class, do my assignments, go out and report, be that proactive. Lately I haven't been able to perform (or even when I do, perform with gusto) and I'm starting to wonder whether I've just reached a limit. It's a shitty thing to have to think about. Me? Limits? I'm goddamn 20. And here I am. I have limits!
ON second thought, I just need to be stronger.
Guichanaso.
