I remember amazing things I have had, but none that I can vividly recall for myself. It's hard to do this for even a powerful auditory or visual experience, so how would I, the farthest thing from an established cook, remember a gustatory sensation?
There seem to be emotions and experiences in the brain you can fully, vividly recall, and you just have to find them in your mind. Senses that are real and true. You don't need to try hard to trace back to it.
Some of my knowledge, some of my personality, character, and belief don't feel as genuine as these simple senses are.
This might be because most of these require some reason, and reason may not be as impressive to our memories as senses are. It might also be because reason is able to reflect critically on these that it obstructs the full-fledged, undeterred, and pure personality are hard to be felt. It might be the disparate natures of these 'senses of being'-- personality might be the way my experiences are connected and way I try to act, a more constantly active sense, unlike sensory experiences that are momentary. This might just even be the fiction created by the constructed notion of 'genuineness' and not-much-so equivalent-- had I not known what concept of 'genuine' and not is, I might not have even worried about these two seemingly different senses.
But I do worry, and I would rather prefer the consciousness of my existence to be alive and present freely as itself, not a conflicted and divided self. I wonder, can we make ourselves so genuine, without being dumb? Or maybe I mean to say, make ourselves so alive, without being crazy? Without religious sense of duty or submission. Without, or with a well-aligned, 'double consciousness'. Without any doubts, doubts, doubts.
I'm searching. Am I searching the wrong way? Is it even possible to reach it if I'm searching for it, or would searching just lead me astray and lost in thoughts and experience.
Mothagesso.
