Being a bad student sucks. Because I still am a student at heart. Works pile up, no satisfying piece of intellectual works produced, dissatisfactions all around in the standard of any student.
'But other things are important!' The 'other thing' is just procrastination in terms of academic attainment. But the 'other thing' is the other parts of life, the other measures of success in life, perhaps. It's what I feel like indulging in-- being me around people, listening to music, cooking food, smoking cigarettes, talking fashion, dancing freely, dressing hippie, celebrating wit-- the indolent list goes on. I could be lying to myself about how valuable all these things are-- since for me, much introspection is a hobby and inspiration a snack. I don't seek to 'create' something, let alone create any 'value'. I like doing it, so I do it, without much other purpose. It's like a videogame in my mind.
Look at me writing this post and not doing work.
If anything, introspection is a double-edged tension. Gets me real happy about myself sometimes, and gets me real down about myself other times. Makes me moody and greedy.
Introspectively looking back, I never had much moderation for anything. I did what I wanted to, and found myself disappointed at times, and found myself telling myself to moderate more, only to realize that I won't. I am only here as who I am because of the things I indulged in. Experiences shape ways of thinking, nurture was to develop emotions, and tell you about yourself. But I also know I missed out a lot by indulging and not really having changed anything with self-discipline.
I just don't have much drive for self-discipline.
Why is that indefensible? Like a greedy little child, I want to disprove it. Why do something else if one thing will make you happy? Why sacrifice the best--the best--of present for the fictional future?
But I know I should go do the 'right' things and be 'successful.' I know I want it. It's part of me.
"You're too greedy," my friend told me once.
"In a good way."
As long as I believe it to have value, it has the utmost value.
Mothagesso.
