Ego really is a funny thing. I think a lot of people think of ego as what I think of as vanity. You can only have high ego if you know yourself to a certain degree, have established a self-understanding that is consistent with who you really are to a considerable degree, and you have conceptualized, categorized, constructed, then construed who you are. We think about and create who we are. And then upon this identity, we build love for ourselves. And based on how much you like yourself, you can go from the regions of diffidence to humility, all the way to the plateaus of confidence to ego.

Now, if you don't have such understanding and you simply think that you deserve more, that you are right, that you are better than others, that you want to do what you want to do-- if you don't have any substantive self-construction and -understanding of who you are, then you are a vacuous persona. You are, then, a little ignorant, most likely insensitive and obnoxious, and very vainly all about satisfying your own whims and impulses. That, to me, is more vanity than ego.

Ego is, with this contradistinction, a good thing. Last night two of my friends talked about this girl. A girl who took years off from school to pursue music, who puts on beautiful bright red lipstick, black and white mini dress, garter belt and fuzzy hair all very confidently. How she is so appealing--not only because she emanates the sense of strong identity and personality, as well as a strong sense of presence any where--but also because she is also very soft-spoken and shy in interactions. "It's interesting to see sometimes like the supermodels who say that they are very shy." It's like two-in-one deal. It's like something so exotic. I always realize how much my interpretations of how other people act towards me are extremely ego-centric. My own ego sort of puts me off, but I also do not seem to know how else to think, because I'm always doing this.

I'm still very much lost in the swamps. The plains and plateaus don't seem to be near. Calgary doesn't seem to be near. I don't even see the signs.

Mothagesso.