I'm always, always afraid my feelings will die out.

You know, that can be scarier than someone else's feelings dying. Someone else's feelings are beyond your control, so there's no use for being upset over them although you can, and you do -- get upset over them, that is. But because 'others' are a separate entity you learn to distrust them from the start. Or maybe not to that extent. Maybe just, "not trust them as much as yourself." Other people are always going to be different and sometimes I may not understand. But that's no matter. Either learn to accept or move on.

Once I "fell in love" and that person loved me back, but later their love died out. I shed tears in front of friends and I drank a lot more than I had, ever, and I think my friends were mostly confused. I'd been the one preaching self-love and independence the entire time and now I was the weak one. Hypocritical as it was. I had to get it out of my system. Once it was out I felt better and I could move on. The tears formed a well inside me and once it depleted I was fine. What was that like? Doable.

My diminishing interest in photography constantly terrifies me. I don't know what to do, yet it's entirely within my control so I'm all the more helpless in this strange puzzle of power. I keep going at it, I've never stopped shooting, and yet it never feels the same. Would writing in all-caps ring more in your heart? It NEVER FEELS the same. I feel nothing.

I thought about it for some time and for the first three months I thought it was because I wasn't getting any better. I decided that wasn't the answer, because I am and have been getting better.

I'm terrified because I no longer love it the way I used to. I'm terrified of my fickleness and of the transience, of that short-lived intensity, whatever it was that I called love that no longer is but an obligation. I'm terrified of how human and unstable I am, of how I'm incapable of keeping up a mere hobby for more than three years.

Guichanaso.